You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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