sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
