she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
