Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
