I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You're like the curious george of whores
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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