I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Oh god it's open bar.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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