break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
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Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize