Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think my fart just growled at me.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
