that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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