a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
there is glitter all over my balls
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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