I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
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You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
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Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
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