Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
