his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
