Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
