I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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