I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she told me i tasted like america
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
