it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
