Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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