i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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