please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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