Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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