so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize