I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
