I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
