no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
