The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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