I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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