who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Randomize
