Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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