I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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