Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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