I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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