Christians are straight up FREAKS
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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