I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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