I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
