Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
