I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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