well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
