He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
