So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
