First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
