The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We're too hungover to prance.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
