How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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