You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
