she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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