so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
