He uses pillows to masturbate.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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