I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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