Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
