Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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