just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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