If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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