Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
