At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
