He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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