My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
