I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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